


The Hairy Side of Hollywood

by carolinelamb, lucius_complex



Category: Marvel Avengers Movies RPF, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers - Ambiguous Fandom, Thor (Movies)
Genre: Crack, Gen, Gift Fic, Humor, Poor Tom, Screenplay/Script Format
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-28
Updated: 2013-07-28
Packaged: 2017-12-21 15:37:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,247
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/901964
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/carolinelamb/pseuds/carolinelamb, https://archiveofourown.org/users/lucius_complex/pseuds/lucius_complex
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tom Hiddleston had no idea that he would be in such HAIRY situations the day he grabbed hold of Ken Branagh's coat-tails.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Thor 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [carolinelamb](https://archiveofourown.org/users/carolinelamb/gifts).



> For Caroline Lamb - muaxxx to one of the most wonderful person I've met on LJ/Ao3! <3 
> 
> Caro has been into 'original characters' lately - So I worked on this as a belated birthday gift. The story idea is hers, as are some of the lines.

**THE HAIRY SIDE OF HOLLYWOOD **(HAPPY BIRTHDAY CARO!)****

**2011 – THOR I**

TOM HIDDLESTON is seated in front of his laptop, wringing his hands over the spluttering internet connection. On two separate windows is KENNETH BRANAGH and CHRIS HEMSWORTH. They are clearly in the middle of a video conference call. KEN is in a rumpled shirt. CHRIS is wearing a tee and eating a hamburger on screen. TOM is wearing a freshly ironed shirt and boxers.

 

TOM:              -and so to reiterate, what I was trying to say wa-

KEN:               What was that? Speak up boy!

TOM:              [severely taken aback] That is, I just wanted to thank you wholeheartedly sir, for this wonderful opportunity…

KEN:               But of course! You do this right, you’ll be in the _big_ leagues after this, m’boy. No more skulking around black box floorboards making lengthy recitations; you’d actually get good, solid American pay; because by god, we Americans believe that art should make money. Tons of money. Truckloads.

CHRIS:           You’re Irish.

KEN:               We’re migratory by nature. Like birds. Gotta follow the trail of crumbs, don’t ya?

CHRIS:           Fistbump man.  

KEN:               K as I was saying, if you want to play the part of Loki we have the substantial challenge of making you look more fitted to the role. This aint namby pamby Ivanhoe anymore—you don't get to clutch your pearls and flutter your eyelashes anymore—

TOM:              Yes, yes, and I am absolutely on top of it, in fact I’ve been contemplating very deeply lately on Loki’s psychological raiment and how it would contribute to his manner and aesthetics—

KEN:               [Waving his hands] Don’t you worry your disturbingly high forehead with all that, all I need you to do is channel some lean and mean my way, and maybe find you some really thick concealer for those freckles… and you, Chris, you'll dye your hair, the eyebrows and the lashes. AS BLOND AS POSSIBLE. BLONDER THAN BLOND. UNDERSTOOD?" 

CHRIS:           Yes, whatever you say, Ken. Shall I dye my chest hair too? I'll get a shirtless scene right?

KEN:               Dye your hair? Are you out of your mind? You'll WAX your chest of course!

CHRIS:           [Saluting with burger] Aye aye, capt! Right away!

TOM:              [timidly] What about me, should I wax my chest too?

KEN:               [pause] And. Why would I need _you_ to do that?

TOM:              Well I thought since Chris—

KEN:               You, Tom, you'll have to lose 10 kg. That baby fat is not cute any longer! How old are you, five?

TOM:              I—but I—you told me to gain 10 kg in 2 weeks, so I went and-

KEN:               There, there, no need to get hung up on the past! Lose those love handles!

TOM:              But you told me …

KEN:               Get over it, do some aerobics, yoga, whatever it takes, chop chop! Start burning calories, we want to see some shoulder blades!

TOM:              Alright, alright. I’ll… go back to my normal size. You know, the one I was actually born with _before_ attending your last reading.

KEN:               Don't get smart with me, chubby! Also, I want your hair black! Black as coal, as soot! And straighten out that mess on your head!                                  

TOM:              Straighten—but these are my natural curls. Sir.

CHRIS:           Precisely, buddy. You know… more like an evil alien, and less like a… surprised carrot.

KEN:               And while you're at it, don't forget your eyebrows.

TOM:              What is wrong with my eyebrows?

KEN:               We'll have to tweeze them. You look like Breshnew. In fact I fancy we’ll need to hire a hair removal specialist to keep you as smooth as a baby’s bottom.

TOM:              Whatever you say, Ken. I can tweeze them myself, it's very kind of you to offer. And may I also say, thank—"

KEN:               [waves him away] Yes, yes, blah blah blah, get out and come again, when you're as thin as Kate Moss, understood?"

TOM:              Yes, Ken. Thank you. Ken. Er, for the great opportunity you have given me… Sir.

CHRIS:           Just think, in a couple of months we’ll be brothers and I get to pound you to the floor with my giant hammer!

TOM:             [slowly] I’m thrilled to hear of it.

 

*


	2. Avengers

 

 

**THE HAIRY SIDE OF HOLLYWOOD **(HAPPY BIRTHDAY CARO!)****

**2012 – AVENGERS**

JOSS enters the meeting room and takes his seat at the head of the table. Seated around him are ROBERT, SCARLETT, JEREMY, MARK, CHRIS & TOM.

 

JOSS:             All right then, it seems we’ve assembled everyone who could make it today—

 

TOM:             HAHAHAHA! Oh Joss, you’re a riot.

 

[CAST & JOSS stares at TOM.]

 

TOM:            Oh. Oh, urm.

 

JOSS:            Got a joke you want to share?

 

TOM:            Oh no. No. I just ... you said 'assembled', and we’re making the _Avengers_ , so I—

 

JOSS:             Well. Haha. We have a joker in our midst. Always good to have a joker.

 

[CAST laughs politely and inches discretely away from TOM.]

 

TOM:             [whispers] Sorry. Sorry.

 

JOSS:             Back to business then! First order of the day: scripts. Everybody got theirs? Questions? Comments? Gripes?

 

ROBERT:       I’ve got a question.

 

JOSS:             Shoot.

 

ROBERT:       Is this recycled paper? Because it feels great. The heft of it’s just perfect you know, not too heavy-

 

JOSS:             Indeed I’m glad you noticed, Robert because I take my recycling very seriously—

 

SCARLETT:      [Iow voice] totally dig the paper. Its just… sensual on the skin, you know. Yeah. It totally turned me on to the role.

 

ROBERT:       [irritated] As I was _saying_ , being an A-lister for as long as I have, its dammned hard to get your hands on script paper that comes from the _heart._

 

JOSS:             [very pleased] Why, its good of you to say so.

 

SCARLETT:      Oh I’m sure it comes from the very _cockles_ of his heart.

 

TOM:               I’ve also done some volunteer work; it’s not in recycling but—

 

ROBERT:       —like how I know the day I’m done with this script, I’d sleep like a baby knowing that mother nature hadn’t been polluted with yet another gigaton of unnecessary waste to deal with. Cos that’s what a Stark would do, you know, really get into the fine details of things.

 

JOSS:             Somebody’s done his homework.

 

ROBERT:       Stanislavski all the way, that’s me.

 

JEREMY:        [to MARK] Especially the drinking part.

 

ROBERT:       Which brings me to my next pronouncement, which, at the risk of being over subtle— [dramatic sweeping gaze] I’ve been in more blockbuster movies than the rest of this table put together.

 

SCARLETT:     Followed by me.

 

ROBERT:       Followed by Scarlett. Now I think that sort of experience engenders yours truly with some extra air time. I could have been filming Ironman 3 but instead I’m here, generously sharing camera angles and top billing with a team. DO you know when’s the last time anybody actually persuaded me to _work_ with a team? Oh wait. That’s never happened.

 

CHRIS:           [sardonically] We’re humbled.

 

ROBERT:       Ya’ll should feel anointed. One day, when I’m dead, somebody will come up to you and offer you a book deal to talk about me autobiographically—under the mask of devastating talent and perfection, did anyone ever know the _real_ RJD? 

 

TOM:              Well, I’m sure we’ll _all_ be offered book deals—

 

ROBERT:       And how many movies have _you_ been in?

 

TOM:              Urm. Six?

 

CHRIS:           Without breeches, buddy. Because as everybody knows, breeches just take everybody’s attention away from the craft.

 

JOSS:             Gotta agree there. Never catch _me_ doing something with breeches in them, no sir. All those... distracting lines and... bulges. [clears throat] Ashley! Remind me to talk to Costumes about taking in some of the cloth for Captain America.

 

TOM:              Oh. Oh, maybe three then.

 

JEREMY:          Excluding Shakespeare.

 

TOM:               [bewildered] But those were my best work!

 

MARK:            A _recited_ production is not a movie. It’s a stage production on celluloid. You don’t act. You just stand there and you… _recite._

 

TOM:               [tearfully] I was classically trained at RADA.

 

SCARLETT:      There, there. We can’t all be A-listers, who’d be left in the dust to make us feel better about ourselves? The world needs _levels,_ you know, of things.

 

JEREMY:        My working class background is offended.

 

SCARLETT:      I’m not a Communist. I’m _American._

 

ROBERT:       Guys, guys, back to Joss’s wonderfully recycled script if you please. _Jesus,_ am I the only consummate professional on this table?

 

JEREMY:        You’re a consummate _something._

JOSS:             Now, a topic of the upmost delicacy and importance. We need to decide one of the most critical elements whilst workshopping the script today—

 

MARK:           [happily] Here it comes.

 

JEREMY:        Don’t get your hopes up _too_ high.

JOSS:             As I was saying, today is the day we decide who gets to do the shirtless scenes—

 

ROBERT:       [importantly] But of course.

 

TOM:                [lifting his hand] Sorry—

 

JOSS:             [with forced patience] Yes, Tom.

 

TOM:               I just wanted to ask ... urm. Do I—do I too, get a shirtless scene?

 

JOSS              [after a short pause] HAHAHAHA. I love it!

 

[CAST chuckles on cue.]

 

TOM:               [happily] You do?

 

JOSS:             What did I tell you, didn’t I tell you? We always need a joker in the house.

 

TOM:               But—

 

JEREMY:      _I love British jokes_. Say did you hear the one about the Queen and Buckingham Palace—

 

TOM:               Sorry but that wasn’t a joke. Joss—

 

JOSS:             [beat] Dear god, you _were_ serious.

 

TOM:               Well, yes. In fact, ever since Thor I’ve been hitting the gym _really_ hard…

 

JOSS              [dubiously] I think if you come really, _really_ close I might be able to tell.

 

TOM:               It's just that. Well. Chris got a shirtless scene in Thor, and I thought maybe it’s my turn, you know. To get one. If its all right with you, of course. I really, really wouldn’t want to impose.

 

ROBERT:       [clearing throat] You know if anybody gets the shirtless scenes, it should be me. Because, hello, ARC REACTOR.

 

MARK:            And me. Because I’m the green guy.

 

SCARLETT:    I have leather boobs.

 

[Major pause whilst table appreciates leather boobs.]

 

JOSS:             So it's settled. We can't have too many actors running around in the buff, can we? You wouldn’t want to turn this movie into a farce, would you?

 

TOM:               No, sir.

 

JOSS:           You wouldn’t want to jeopardise the whole production for _vanity_ now, would you, Tom?

 

TOM:               No, sir.

 

JOSS:             [very pleased] That’s settled then!

 

MARK:            Cheer up! You get to make really cute noises of a cat being sick after I pound you into the floor on page 146.

 

TOM:               [slowly] I’m just... thrilled to hear of it.

 

 

 


	3. Thor The Dark World

 

**THE HAIRY SIDE OF HOLLYWOOD **(HAPPY BIRTHDAY CARO!)****

**2013 - Thor The Dark World:**

 

TOM:               Do I finally get my shirtless scene now?

 

ALAN:             Dear god, you’re abrupt.

 

TOM:               [desperately] Do I?

 

ALAN:             My dear boy, why don’t we sit down and look over your new script before making any hasty decisions—

 

TOM:               Alan, please. [Intense teary eyed agony] I need to know.

 

ALAN:             Alright. I had no idea you were so hung up on the idea, and I’m sorry my boy but the answer is no.

 

TOM:               Its just that—I’ve built up a really huge fanbase, and they’ve been such great supporters that I feel like I really need to give something back.. and I’ve been doing _so much more_ than just yoga now.

 

ALAN:             I see.

 

TOM:               [eagerly] After the Avengers Chris introduced the entire cast to this line of protein shakes—

 

ALAN:             Yes I did notice that you’ve filled out. A little.

 

TOM:               Yes! I have! Oh you noticed!

 

ALAN:             I think your throat got a little bigger.

 

TOM:               I have a _very_ high metabolic rate.

 

ALAN:             Actually, Tom. I’m pleased you take so much initiative. And that you’re so… passionate about wanting to give back to your fans.

 

TOM:               Thank you sir.

 

ALAN:             However. I’m going to have to ask you to lose all that weight again.

 

TOM:               …but—

 

ALAN:             Sorry Tom, but Loki needs to be emaciated. Really thin. Sort of unwashed. And we’re going to be putting you in ratty jail clothes.

 

TOM:               [crestfallen] I could still be ratty and unwashed without a shirt…

 

ALAN:             And the simple truth of the matter is you just look better as the lean, mean, downright _mad_ sort, frankly.

 

TOM:               Lean and mean and mad _without_ a shirt, maybe?

 

ALAN:             Tell you what Tom. You don’t get a shirtless scene, but I’ going to give you something better.

 

TOM:               An exemplary 20 minute monologue of Loki’s tortured inner pysche?

 

ALAN:             No.

 

TOM:               A glorious hand to hand combat scene in which Loki’s tunic accidently gets ripped off, exposing his manly chest?

 

ALAN:             No. Although that’s a great idea for Chris. Bethany, write that down, we’ll fit it in somewhere.

 

TOM:               Oh. How about.. how about a love scene of intense dramatic consequence?

 

ALAN:             No, sorry, that’s all tied up between Jane and Thor.

 

TOM:               [desperately] A moving conversation on loyalty and familiar ties between Loki and Friga?

 

ALAN:             No, Tom. What I’m going to give you is _green_ jail clothes instead of blue. Your own house colours! Like Slytherin. It’d be awesome.

 

TOM:               [hiding disappointment] Wow. Wow, that _is_ magnanimous.

 

ALAN:             And we’re going to give you, Bethany write this down cos I’ve just thought of it—we’re going to give you a _wig._

 

TOM:              [pause] A wig.

 

ALAN:             A _spiffy_ wig. And we’ll even put in curls and shit. Trust me, the girls will love it. Cover up some of that _disturbingly_ high forehead; dear god, Ken and Joss weren’t joking about your forehead.

 

TOM:               [begins to bang forehead on table]

 

ALAN:             My boy! Are you quite alright!

 

TOM:               [slowly] I’m simply... I’m simply thrilled, that’s all.

 

*

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Tumblr: Lokitini](http://lokitini.tumblr.com/)


End file.
